But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

(I'm continuing with my song lyric themed titles)

Wow I just had a 4.5 hour dinner at Manuel's with Gary, Jenny, and Lauren.  We talked for a long time about COTS, and various ideas or concerns. Then finally Gary shared his story with us... all of it, with its movie-like drama and gritty details.  I'm not going to share it here; I will only say that he is an amazing man with an incredible faith in God, whom he has allowed to use and work through him. It was a challenging, encouraging, and therapeutic chat.  

I had been a little bummed from the day. Not terribly upset just a little irritated.  Beyond my cell phone being stolen, I had really wanted to chat with Jimmy about getting his act together and actually entering a program.  Gary had been talking to us about putting some pressure on people and I knew it was time for him to do it.  He has run out of excuses and I've known him long enough now, had enough conversations with him that I feel like I could really speak to him about this.  The morning has be carrying on and I go sit by Jimmy to talk but he gets up and starts talking to Jenny who he has been talking with a ton all morning already.  So they have this chat, and Jenny is putting pressure on him and he ends up crying, just totally breaking down.  Meanwhile someone whom I'm particularly not anxious to talk to sits by me and we have some random conversation.  I was selfishly upset that I didn't get to be a part of this emotional encounter with Jimmy.  I'm not close enough to many of the people on the street that I feel like I could step up and do this and there went my shot.  I should be simply happy that it is occurring, and I truly am.  But that should be sufficient and I find that I want to be a part of it.  I want to be used.  I'm impatient.  

I've been seeing quite a bit of change happening recently. One guy at retreat got an apartment yesterday, Josh is back and that opens some things up, Six (Joshua) has a temporary job.  Obviously not everything is going swimmingly, but things are happening around here. 

I talked to a newish guy today, Daniel.  He is just solid. He is a pretty big guy, with 2 sleeves of tattoos, but it alway looking out for people. He told me God has been using him in people's lives recently. He has been placed in just the right situations to help some particular women out, and knows God is present in this. He is grateful for this but wishes he could get some help too.  I felt his frustration, but want to be used how he is.  I guess everyone wants what they don't have.  

But talking to Gary was good, even just to see where he is coming from and that he gets frustrated too. But mostly he just trusts in God and lays everything on him.  I want it all in my time, how I can see it.  I'm only half way through this internship.  And who am I to say what it should look like. I've got to let God do the work.  

Working for the Weekend

This weekend we had to a week's worth of ministry into really one day.  Saturday on the street was good, bigger than normal.  Mostly the same faces. Dr. Love came by and drew an amazing chalk Jesus on the sidewalk.  Some regular's played chess.  Josh, a guy we met the first week that Jenny really connected with, showed up and hung out with us.  He talked with me and some of the students about what it means to be born again.  He is very hard to follow and it is obvious that he isn't mentally sound.  I also talked to Six more about his life and past.  He has such an unbelievable story and continues to dream and move forward. He and some of the other guys that help out are officially "volunteer staff" with COTS.

Next we took the group to the CNN center for lunch. Then we brought them to Centennial Olympic Park and explained to them the idea behind the homeless walk. We told them to meet us at Woodruff Park at a certain time and to not ask cops or Ambassadors for directions.  Six went with one of the groups, and told us later that a security guard downtown stopped him and the group. He thought Six was leading them into trouble or trying to hustle them and Six had to explain that he was with COTS and supposed to be with them. 

We went back to the office for a bit and hung out with Josh some more.  He called his dad and started asking questions about when was the first time he was hospitalized and medicated (he says he hasn't seen his dad in years).  Then Jenny had a chance to talk with his dad on the phone which was such a blessing.  We all got to learn a little more about him from a clearer perspective.  His dad explained to Jenny that Josh was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia four years ago. He has been in hospitals and treated, often against his will. His family is trying to help him, but he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem.  He continually told me that he is "normal" and he is afraid if he goes to the hospital that doctors will misdiagnose him.  He walked with us to Woodruff and Jenny spent the whole 40 minutes trying to convince him that mental disorders, just like physical illness, is a real problem, and to listen to doctors. But he doesn't see the reasoning, and doesn't want anyone telling him what is wrong with him or any doctors telling him to take medicine.  It just made me really sad and frustrated.  On the one hand I was so excited to know more of his story from his parents.  But now to know that he has been fighting, or rather denying, this diagnosis for four years is really discouraging.  Josh is 22. He is my age and actually does have a family that wants to help him.  Most guys we meet on the street are older and have strained or severed family relationships.  Josh's life could look completely different with a few simple steps.  But you can't force someone to acknowledge that they have a mental disorder.  

When we got to the park (one group making it a mere one minute before the deadline) we hung out here for about an hour, playing chess and talking.  Safe House had a group so I saw Julie and Trell and little Jordan. It was good to see them and really fun to play with Jordan again if only for a few minutes.  I also saw Kennedy. One of the students from the last group, Grant, had met Kennedy three years ago and has been praying for him since.  Grant came back to COTS every year but didn't see Kennedy again until this year.  Kennedy just recently got a job, which is what Grant has specifically been praying for.  That was cool for me to step into that story and just feel encouraged in the middle of a long day.  

After Woodruff we went to Underground for dinner and a little down time.  Before heading back to debrief,  we stopped and talked to Jeff, Reggie, and some of the other guys that sleep in front of a church.  Letting the groups chat with these folks, I mostly hung back and ended up talking to Six a little more.  He told me more about the gang that he was a part of and how it operates.  Six says these guys still want him around and have even offered him a nice paying job, but he doesn't want to be in that life anymore.  It just struck me that there is this whole other world going on all around me that I don't know anything about or even realize exists.  It blows my mind.  Working on the streets I am tempted to think I'm seeing the full picture that most people miss, but I'm not. And as Andy likes to say the guys we hang around are the "domesticated"-- guys that are used to drive-by ministries and other people coming in from outside.  But there is more to this city and more to people's stories that I get to see most of the time.  

Just One of Those Days

Well we had a bit of slow week following the mission teams.  I'm having trouble even remembering what we did.  Monday we took off for some needed rest and catching up on reading. Tuesday was a lot of studying in the morning then we swung by Retreat and read some in Piedmont Park.  Wednesday walked the parish and spent most of the time up at the lot. I talked mostly with Holiday, who always seems a bit drunk but keeps conversation.  He was explaining to me about how his mom was a maid and basically raised the kids of this white family, and how that was so common for his generation.  He was also telling the others guys to respect me and "talk normal" to me, which was sweet.  Plus two different groups came and handed out sack lunches. The guys started giving us some of there food, there was so much.
Thursday we went back to Retreat after class in the morning.  I saw Steven. He looks good, but he says he is bipolar and has been depressed for about a week now that he is not self medicating with drugs. But he was on his way to pick up his medication.  I spent most of my time talking with Adrian about theology, which was frustrating as usual.  It was nice to talk about something real, talk about God and not something so light. However it was lots of me getting preached to again.  I was in a pretty tired mood when we left, telling Lauren (who also wasn't feeling to great) that is was one of those days.  Then we headed out to the lot for a while.  I talked to Mike who had missed his doctor's appointment for his leg.  I called Grady with him to get him a new appointment.  It was nice to be able to do something for him, and know him well enough to trust that he wasn't going to run off with my phone.  He was very grateful, but I know I'm going to have to be on him to make sure he takes this appointment seriously and actually shows up.  Then I talked with Eddy and Jenny for a good bit. I've met Eddy a few times but haven't talked to him all that much.  He is great. He talked to us about his time in the Navy and about how much he values education.  He loves science and animals and we talked and we talked about the Discovery channel and travel.  He really turned my day around.  We just had fun and talked about everything.

Today we did some errands before the mission team arrived in the afternoon.  Then we just went over what COTS is and some rules and took them out to the street.  It is a smaller group which makes things easier and everyone is really nice and open to the experience.  Being out today I ran into a bunch of guys (and a few woman) that I know. One guy, William, kept saying how we are out there all the time and we are just one of the neighborhood.  It felt really good to really be amongst friends, to see again that people do know us and welcome us in.  Today was a strange start to a mission trip. I think tomorrow will be better at the park when the group can really dive in.

Rolling in the Deep

Wow, this week has gone by fast though it's been chalked full.  Yesterday (Thursday) we started out by walking part of the Belt line, a proposed trail that will go around the city where old train tracks used to be and homeless guys would sleep. Big John led us, and he is great. He knows absolutely everyone: homeless guys, rock stars, politicians--everyone.  It was a long walk and we didn't come across many guys, because they have all been cleared out for the construction. (We did come upon one fort that looked identical, only smaller, to the fort in "Where the Wild Things Are.") The team was good though and hardly complained at all.  After lunch at Little 5 we had a block party in a low income apartment complex.  This was definitely a highlight of the week for me.  We brought a football, and soccer ball and some chalk and just played with maybe 60 kids.  We had some water fights and got our hair braided and just had a blast.  There was no rim on one of the basketball hoops, and so for some of the smallest boys I let them shoot the ball through by arms, bending if necessary, as a makeshift net.  It was so obvious just by their actions that these kids were starving for attention.  One girl mentioned to one of our leaders that 15 people sleep in her apartment and there are only 2 kids. Though these children had homes they are clearly some of our "vulnerable neighbors." Kids are kids wherever and piggyback rides and a soccer ball will make the whole afternoon.  After the block party we had dinner and debriefing.

Today we started the day at the MLK jr. Center.  I've been before but still really enjoyed it. I think most of the students got something out of going.  Calling it a "museum" makes it sound boring and antiquated, but I think they all saw how relevant King's struggle regarding race and other forms of oppression still are.  Next we had a picnic at Renaissance Park.  It was great-- like saturdays but multiplied by 30.  All kinds of people eating, playing, talking together.  These kids that had been shy Tuesday were in the middle of it all.
I was getting frustrated because I seemed to be having conversations that didn't mean anything, one in particular with a woman who kept telling me about these specific paranoid conspiracies regarding certain shelters in the city, which I know are not true.  But I'm not about to argue with her about this.  I had also been scolded earlier by a crazy woman for only providing PB&Js and not sandwiches with meat.  When I told her we (COTS) didn't have the money she said that was a lie, that I'm white and she's black so I should provide that for her.  But she is obviously not mentally sound so again, I'm not going to stand there and argue about sandwiches with her.  Throughout the week I have had some good conversations, but have had a ton of surface level stuff, sports, music, chess, weather, and had been looking for something a bit more.  Gary told that he thinks it's about time that I (and the interns in general) start to push people more.  When you care about someone you aren't going to let them continue to hurt themselves, or tell you lies or excuses.  I believe this is true.  Especially with the people that I see regularly.  But 1) there are tons of people that I meet once and may never see again and 2) even the people I see over and over, I may have had largely more surface level conversation.  I've been trying so hard not to feed into the stereotype of going out looking to "save" or change people. I want to just make them feel human and loved. I want to show that I have absolutely no agenda, so if they want to share their story I would love to hear it, but if not I will talk about football. So I talk about whatever and don't always push for something deeper.  But I need to.  I saw students today talking to people I have known for weeks now and having amazing experiences with them, learning things about them that I haven't ever heard.  They know they have only a week, so they don't have time for surface level conversation and have to dive in.  I do deeper relationships with some guys, don't get me wrong, but I am too easily satisfied with the light stuff.

After the picnic we walked around our parish and then over to Wooduff, where it miraculously did not rain.  This was a nice day.  After yesterday, everyone was ready to hit the streets and talk to guys some more.  Then we went back to RA and had joint debriefing over the whole week.  It was great to hear everyone's stories, some incredible, but Andy explained that while these moments are great it's the in between mountaintops that really makes up ministry. We need to hold on to those moments but know that the bulk of the work is the day to day time where you don't see tears or transformations.  We also talked about how getting excited and feeling good is nice, but feelings aren't central... It's what we do, how we live that matter.
Then I got to sit in on some of Silverdale's (the great group worked with) team meeting and hear them lift each other up and encourage each other, and us.  It was a great first mission team experience. As Jenny said, it set the bar high.  However, all that being said, I'm also exhausted.

Walk this Way

Tuesday was our first day with the mission teams. After prayer we drove to Stone Mountain.  Before the climb Andy talked to the group about community and how to talk to a homeless person (ie how to talk to any human).  Then after we reached the top he compared the climb to the Christian walk, and how as a community we have to work together and not simply race ahead like many people did, leaving the others behind.  It was a nice lesson but mostly I liked getting out of the city (which we also talked about and continue to read about in this dreadful book "The Meaning of the City").  After lunch we split up the two churches and walked around the city: our group went to Woodruff Park.  I was nervous about being in charge at first, in case something went wrong but everything went well. Actually everyone had a great first experience. I got to talk with some guys too which I wasn't sure if I would be able to do.  After dinner we walked through our parish, over by Pine and Renaissance.  As we were walking through I was leading some people down the hill and I heard my name being called so I turned around and Will is standing there shouting my name! It was so good to see him, but even better to know he was happy to see me. It had been a while since we'd talked, so 1- good to know that he is alright and 2- good to know that he enjoys seeing me around.  It's something we talk about all the time, everyone wants to belong and feel loved. Generally speaking I think I'm supposed to make the guys on the street feel that, but it's nice when I get it back.
We talked to some guys I'd never met including Steve. He reads about 4 books a week. We started talking and someone in the group said bringing books had never occurred to her because well it's entertainment, not a necessity.  But the groups are starting to see that just like anyone else these guys like to do certain things for fun: play chess, read, play cards.  And talking to them is just like talking to anyone.  Back at Rescue Atlanta (RA) where they are staying, we had a de-brief session and almost everyone shared some storied about something they had learned or someway they had been impacted throughout the day.  It was amazing.  Conversations that I had been a part of, that didn't phase me, some kids took away some great moment.  It was nice to see a new fervor and excitement to just talk to these guys.

Today our group spent most of the day working at the shelter.  We did tasks like sorting clothes, filing, taking inventory in the bike shop and a few other things.  The kids were all good sports though these weren't always the most exciting activities. In the afternoon we went and hung out with the guys again on the street.  It's interesting knowing that I probably have time to get to know these guys but the group doesn't. So where I would normally have a conversation on very surface level stuff at first, now I am thinking about how to advance it to make the most out of the time. I'm still without an agenda, I'm not trying to save them or convince them of anything but trying to realizing I should probably try to really get to know them faster.  We went over to Centennial Olympic Park, talked for a bit and Andy explained the task of the afternoon.  The groups had to meet us at Krispy Kreme by only asking directions of homeless guys-- no cops, no smart phones.  This is to let them get just a tiny taste of the fear of arriving at a city and having to find a place to stay, eat, and find work.  The added plus was that a storm was coming in, so if you didn't go quick you would get poured on (which a few people got to experience).  We talked about it afterwards and it seemed like they enjoyed it (though it turned more into a race than it was meant to be).  I can see already in 2 days how perceptions are changing. Now the real hope is that people can bring this home to their own neighborhood when this week is over.

Fresh Meat

So to catch up briefly, last week friday was a day of errands and book discussion.  But among our errands we just stopped by Retreat to drop off some things.  We didn't even go in the building, but we ran into this guy A.J. in the parking lot.  He is from Nicaragua and I actually talked about Nicaragua with him for a bit in Spanish.  Then he started talking to the group (in English) and telling us some of his story.  He was in some accident and paralyzed when he was 17, and the whole time he was in the hospital this one woman who he didn't know would come pray for him. He said he didn't believe in God but at some point had nowhere else to turn, and told this woman that he would put his faith in Christ.  The next day he got up and walked to the nurses' desk asking about the woman.  They told him there had never been a woman and that they keep logs of everyone who enters and exits. It was an incredible story that caught me off guard. It's not something you hear everyday. He explained that since then, he has gotten into drugs and made plenty of bad choices and doesn't know where God is this time.  He said he loved Retreat and wants to continue to learn about the word and seek God.  He asked us to pray for him so we all prayed in the parking lot.  This was something none of us expected that day, but beautiful.
Saturday was good and pretty standard: some snow cones, some chess (6 let me win this time).

Today after prayer we set out for the lot.  On our way, we ran into a guy, Sheldon, who has a job and is looking to move out of the shelter. We talked to him about some options and he got really excited that everything is falling into place.  He said he had been asking God for help and there we were.
After he left  I ended up talking to these 2 brothers, James and Brandon, for hours.  They were from Florida and had been at the shelter for 20 days.  They are very determined, and because they chose to leave home for certain reasons, they have a different perspective than many of the other guys I meet that are forced to the streets.  They have some wild ideas that I don't always agree with but I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and Brandon even drew me a picture.  They explained that because they don't carry themselves as homeless most people don't think they are, especially if they walk around Tech's campus.  But to them the whole experience is a struggle that is teaching them about putting their faith in God and breaking down their pride.  So though they admit that it's hard, they see even as they walk through this situation, that is could be a good thing in some way.  I hope I run into them again.


Then after reading for a few hours and meeting as a team we headed to Rescue Atlanta to meet the mission teams, one group of high schoolers and the other high school/middle school.  They seem like a really good bunch so far. Though it is early mornings and late nights, I'm excited for the change of pace this week, and hope it will refresh me.

A Look at the Allies

In the past few days I've gotten to take a closer look at a couple more organizations in the city that offers services to the homeless.

Tuesday we set our own morning schedules and decided to split up. Jesse and I went to check out the Open Door while the others headed over to Retreat. Upon arrival I had planned on walking in and asking about the various programs and maybe a tour, but I never got that far. I stopped to talk to a few guys on the steps and never made it in the house. I mostly talked to two formerly homeless guys who still come around. One man, Ben, went on about the trap of hopelessness, what he calls the rim (what I had talked about with Dallas). I asked him how he managed to get out of that cycle. He explained that he used go watch people go to Felini's across the street, just like how I may watch tv: this was his entertainment. And one day he just got sick of it and realized: I want that. I want to be able to go out and eat at restaurants. To be out and part of society. So he started volunteering at the Open Door and eventually got a landscaping job and an apartment. I talked to some other guys. They were all interested in why I was out there and what I thought the problem was with homelessness. And they all offered their views, some of which were very much centered on being included in society, in community once again. We talked for a bit and as I was about to go inside, they started serving lunch and the crowds filled the door way. I did find that they offer meals a few days a week, showers at certain times and various other programs. They have a worship service and dinner on sunday evenings, which I plan on checking out soon.

So Jesse and I headed to the Retreat. Steven stopped by. He looks good, clean, and rested. He handed Gary a letter, explaining how happy and grateful he is to have Gary in his life. He said he never would have imagined going to a church or anything for help, but it's a good thing he was hungry that day he passed by. We only talked for a minute then he had to get back.

I met a few new people including a guy, Andre, who is from New York but has also lived in Denver. So we talked about Denver a bunch, and his travels, his family, just small talk really. I also talked more with Rebecca. After we left Retreat, we went to meet with Andy and learned that one of the women, Detroit, who was coming to Retreat regularly but hadn't been for a while, had to leave in an ambulance because of abdominal pain. Please keep her in your prayers, for her health now and general safety out on the street.

At our meeting we discussed our book and upon it's completion we have finished our first course of these intern program. This final book was written in regards to living with and working with people with mental disabilities, but the ideas of inclusion and value hold just as true with the homeless, so it led to good discussion.

Wednesday we spent all day at the Metro Atlanta Task Force for the Homeless, more commonly known as the shelter on Peachtree and Pine. The morning we spent simply talking with the director and some other staff members. They explained their programs and vision and we asked tons of questions. It was insightful to listen to their perspective, as the only thing I know about the shelter is what I hear on the street. So we sorted through some of the rumors and got down to how things really run on the ground. Currently the shelter is in a legal battle with the city and will be in court tomorrow (friday). I don't know what the official charges are, but it has to do with police discriminating and arresting people, many of whom are trying to go into a public food court around the corner. But this is certainly not the only dispute with the city. This shelter has prime real estate on Peachtree and midtown would like to see it used for something other than housing the homeless. Many neighbors complain too about the shelter, but the director and staff are adamant that they are not going anywhere. They also do not record and share clients information with other agencies, as was recently ordered by the state. So due to one or all of these things, the shelter no longer receives any public funding, which it desperately needs.

I had envisioned the shelter as this institution that enables the homeless to remain where they are not have to move toward anything more permanent. While it certainly can do this, it actually offer much more and truly tries to help people up out of the cycle. It has tons of resident volunteers who are living in the shelter but have security or administrative duties that make the place run. It also has transitional housing, and various programs like and art studio, computer classes, and bike shop that are there to help people work toward something more. The shelter however never tries to push people to move or change before they are ready themselves, so many people will stay there and be stagnant.

Next we went on a tour of the facilities, which was eye opening, both to see how much they offer (the place is huge) and also how poor the conditions are. The main sleeping room holds I think 500 guys. It is just packed full of bunk beds and has horrible lighting. Currently there is no AC, so the building is steaming.

After the tour we were put to work in different areas. I work along side a weekly volunteer typing resumes for people. They had filled out a form with basic information and we clean it up and use a more professional format. It was actually nice to directly contribute to something for someone who is clearly making an effort to make positive changes in their lives. But I didn't get to interact with these people. I was just behind a desk. Overall I think the shelter does good work, but it has it's issues and shortcomings like any organization.

Today after prayer Andy took the girls out for coffee (and the boys in the afternoon) just to check up on us and have us reflect on our experience thus far. We talked about our impressions and frustrations as well as things we have learned from the readings. I explained that I am afraid of "burning out" by the end of the summer. After a while, conversations and stories start to sound alike and when people aren't actually changing I'm afraid by the end of the summer I will be tired and cynical. But Andy says mission teams help with this. You almost get to see things anew as they see them for the first time. I also explained just how frustrating it is to be either preached at or told what I'm doing, as if people know exactly why I'm out on the street. Sometimes they think I'm wasting my time, sometimes they think I'm out there preaching and they think that's wonderful. Either way I hate that they think they know what I'm doing without talking to me about it.

These exact two things happened today. First when Lauren and I went out to the street we talked to a regular, Mike, and some of his friends. We laughed and just had fun. One guy who introduced himself as Brother James, quoted scripture to me and then basically gave me a sermon on it. I appreciate his passion for the word, but he made no effort to know me or understand where I am coming from or my background in scripture. He just went off.

Then as we were heading out we began talking to another man. At first the conversation seemed great. He asked us questions, why we come out to the street and what we think the real problem of homelessness is. He was all about honesty, and really wanted to know what we were about. We explained what COTS is all about, getting to know people and be in community with them--not just assuming they are hungry. He believes the problem is a personal thing, of individual ambition, not a problem with society. We talked for a while and suddenly it was like everything we had told him went out the window. He told us we need to be compassionate, to change our approach. We need to get to know people's individual problems and situations and not just give out sandwiches. I was so irritated! Here he was telling us all about honesty and getting to know people, but he wasn't listening to us, nor would he share anything personal with us, not even his name. I walked away with a bad taste in my mouth. In the past 30 minutes, I had been preached at (at, not even really to), judged, told I was lacking compassion and immoral, and anything I had to say to the contrary was basically ignored.

Then after I cooled down a little I thought, well that pretty much sums up how we normally treat the homeless. They are preached at, judged as being immoral, told they are lazy, and not listened to. That is if they are acknowledged at all. So I suppose I can stand it for one afternoon.

Taking Games Seriously

Today after prayer we went over to Woodruff Park. We arrived as the big chess pieces (about 2 feet tall) were being set up. So I looked for a partner and took advantage of the open board. I found someone to play with, but he not only beat me easily, he spend the whole time talking on his cellphone. Thus I did not get the conversation I was looking for, so I went to go watch another game but was stopped by a guy who was talking with Lauren. The three of us chatted and another man joined us. We talked about a wide variety of topics including the seemingly widespread myth that if people can just get to Atlanta, they will find a job, which has brought so many people here from all over the country. Soon Ed came and joined us. We talked for a bit, and as conversation slowed I pulled out a deck of cards that I always have in my bag. We started to play one of my favorite games, Spades. We talked some as we played but not a ton. I thought to myself, "This doesn't feel like work. I should be trying to talk about important things, or doing more..." But really this is community. You don't have a life changing conversation every time you hangout with your friends. Some times all you need is to play a game and enjoy each other's presence. In fact not "doing" anything probably reinforces my comfort and ease in the area, and that my intent is not to change everyone. So today at work, I played cards with guys in the park.

After lunch we walked back to the office and talked more about mission teams and our schedule for the next few weeks. Our first 2 groups are middle school kids. I pray that they will really understand what COTS is about and not just have a 1 week high only to forget it as soon as they get on the bus home. I pray too that I will have patience and be able to teach and lead effectively. We ended the day with a sobering conversation about this line of work and change. Andy said that this job is about being with the broken. The exceptions are the ones that enter rehab or restore ties with their families. The hurt, brokenness, and complacency are the norm.

"Hate isn't born, it's taught"

So Saturday on the Streets yesterday was great. It began as a slow day. At St. Paul's I started talking to someone and it just seemed like force conversation. Then at the park I started talking to these two guys, Dallas and William. We talked about books and movies and then about some of their past and their lives right now. Conversation was so easy and natural, just like friends anywhere talking. They asked why we come out here. I explained that we are not out here to "save" or to change anyone, but just to get to know and befriend our neighbors--to bridge a distance that has been made. And from here we talked about racism for a while. These were two homeless black men, one 40 and the other about 57. They were explaining simply how ridiculous racism is, but not in a hostile or defensive way. They never blamed "the white man" for the situation they are in; in fact they took total responsibility. Dallas said he had never seen a white person in real life (only on tv) until he was 12, and that he heard how awful they were. But once he actually got out in the world and made friends he realized that was all crap. He says he doesn't see race now. Then William went on to explain some of his experiences and said, "Hate isn't born, it's taught." This isn't revolutionary, but for some reason it just hit me hard today. And it's not true just with racism, but also with perception of homelessness, ignorance, or anything else that divides society. People aren't born thinking they are above others, it is taught by family or even just the shape society. Then we went on to talk about homelessness, their experiences in the shelter and on the street, and the cycle of hopelessness that so many get trapped in. After living in the shelter at Pine for years many people just give up. They don't have to ever leave. Going to the lot, they can get meals, clothes, alcohol and drugs if they want... There is a sense of security. Dallas went on about how smart some of these guys are too. Some have college or post-grad degrees. But due to one thing or another they are trapped in this sense of hopelessness. Then there are people really trying to get out of this cycle but who can't seem to break through. It was a great, open conversation, I almost didn't want to leave (but it was ridiculously hot and time to pack up...). As I headed out I asked if there was anything they wanted prayer for (expecting to pray for it later) and Dallas said for their health. He motioned like he wanted to pray right then so 4 of us took hands and prayed there in the park. It was a good day.

A Slow Learning Curve

Sorry I have not updated in a while. I've been working too much to sit and write about working.

Wednesday was another "set your own schedule" day, so after morning prayer we just walked around the neighborhood. We split up into 2 and 3; a mob of 5 white college age kids with backpacks walking together is a not conducive to good, honest conversation most of the time. So Jesse and I set off our own way in the heat. We talked to a few guys on the bridge, one whom I knew from a previous Saturday, so I called him over by name which I think surprised him a little. We chatted for a bit but he was on his way to meet a friend and get out of the heat (it was already scorching at 10am). We then went to St. Luke's park and talked to the same man, Emmanuel, about polyethylene and materials. He is a little out there, well quite gone actually, but his technical language is amazing and his stories are consistent if nothing else. We then went and sat down on the sidewalk to see who would approach us for a change. A few people said hey, but there weren't many people around, again everyone was trying to get out of the heat, so we went in for lunch. We had a great conversation about this job, is it worth it, and guilt, but I will get back to that later.

Back on the street we decided to head the other direction this time, down Ponce de Leon. We didn't stop and talk to many people, but it was still nice to get a better feel for the area. On the way back we stopped and talked to some guys. One guy asked Jesse for water and he said he didn't have any. Then he asked Jesse to buy him some McDonald's and Jesse again, politely said no, but sat down and talked with him and the guy didn't dwell on it or try to pick a fight but actually engaged in conversation. It seems just a natural thing to ask for these things from people who he knew could provide them, especially when most people say yes or just avoid eye contact all together. But Jesse broke down those expectations and tried getting to know the person beyond his basic needs. Anyway while they talked I talking to this other man, Larry, from Arizona. He noticed the "sH2Ow Some Love Shirt" I had on, so we ended up talking about Africa some and then about Arizona and Atlanta. Then a friend of ours from the street came up and offered to buy Jesse and I lunch, but seeing as how we had already eaten and he was clearly drunk, we turned him down. But since he was drunk and bothering the other guys we walked away and back to the office.

Andy came in shortly after us and we asked him about some of the things that we had discussed over lunch. I had said to Jesse that sometimes (on an almost daily basis) I ask myself, what am I doing? What is the point of just talking to these guys? They have needs and I am going to have a conversation with them and may never see them again... But I do believe in COTS mission and as I saw with Jesse earlier, the importance of moving away from just delivering physical things to this demand (as Andy would call it, being a personal ATM) and actually interacting with people. There are services out there for food, clothing and all that. That's not what I'm here for. I am here to be a friend. So then we talked about how weird our internship is. Really COTS shouldn't even exist because everyone should be with and for their most vulnerable neighbors naturally. But since that isn't the world me live in, COTS is here to break that cycle of broken community.

We also talked about guilt and not feeling guilty saying no every once in a while.

Overall the day was hot and frustrating but I can feel these questions that have been lingering really surface.

Thursday we spent the whole day at Safe House, a parter organization of COTS. We worked with Ken in the Problem Solvers office which deals with crisis needs (people looking for somewhere to stay, food, baby products, ect, urgently). This office also has a phone and a mail center, so people who have no home can have an address to receive mail. Besides the fact that there were a few too many of us doing the work that 2 or 3 people could have done, it was a good experience and showed me more of the resources and how to find additional help. It was actually quite humbling to see how much I don't know, and see that even after being on the streets these few weeks and learning so much there are still so many organizations, resources, and processes I know nothing about. A homeless volunteer came in and worked with us and brought her 2 year old son Jordan. We interns, especially Jenny and I, probably spent more time with Jordan than doing actual office work. I figured it was probably nice for him to get attention and play, also it kept him out of the way. Plus he's great and I had a fun playing with him. It was strange to spend the day inside, and though I talked to guys as I searched for their mail, it was a different experience talking to them indoors while doing a task rather than out on the street. It is inherently rushed and surface conversation. I was providing a service; when they got their mail (or not) they were done and left. Unlike on the street where the object is conversation itself, and not limited by other tasks.

At about 6 we headed over to the lot for Thursday night hotdogs. We just hung out for a bit. I didn't see some of the guys I normally see. I talked to a few guys but as the vans pulled up everyone headed over for the food. This whole experience (that of a "drive-by church") wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but then again I didn't stay for the service. I didn't actually see tracks (little booklets about the Bible) being handed out though I heard they were. There was tons of food, but the church kids would go around handing it out and really not saying anything to the guys. I talked to 6 and Tony and some of the guys from Retreat. I even ran into a guy, Mark, that I met one of the first saturday I came about 5 months ago. Some of the people assumed I was with this church (of course) and would ask me about the food or program and I would explain that I had no idea. This is a bit frustrating, but understandable. Before the actual preaching part started 4 of us interns left for dinner, and then marathon reading!

Today we didn't actually spend any time on the street. After prayer we discussed the reading and that lead to some good conversation and questions about truth, justice, and forgiveness. My head was hurting a bit trying to understand all of the philosophical concepts behind simple words like "truth", but I enjoy wrestling with it. We talked more about the topics of the day before, saying no, and guilt. I have issues with this, more than I realized. I always tell people on the street that I'm from Atlanta (which is true) but when they ask where I try to avoid saying Buckhead. I feel guilty and smug just saying it. When I say Atlanta I can see people's reactions, often I can see barriers fall because I'm from here, their neighborhood. On the other hand when I have been backed into a corner and say Buckhead, it feels like walls go up-- there is an immediate disconnect. "You are just another rich kid from Buckhead, what are you doing here?" I can almost hear them think. But this is who I am. If I want to actually have friendships with these guys I need to let them in and be honest with them. Not boastful, but not deceitful either.

Later we broke for lunch (at Chico and Chang, a classy Mexican/Chinese restaurant that we have been eyeing...) then ran some errands. When we got back Andy talked to us about what we do with mission teams, the first 2 groups come week after next. Even the idea of mission teams with COTS is strange so we talked about why we do this and what it means. I'm kind of excited for groups to come; though my focus is the men and women on the street, it will be interesting to have a new role and schedule. But I feel responsibility, not just to keep them safe or teach them anything, as much as simply to already be committed and have established a presence in the community here. These teams are an extension of the interns so if I don't already have relationships to established I cannot possibly lead or show these kids in any way.

I feel like I have learned this week. But every time I learn or start to grasp one thing I become aware of just how much more I don't know or understand. It has been good to stop and think through some of these ideas, but I'm excited for Saturdays on the Street tomorrow--to get back out and hang out with these guys.